soo near YET soo far !!

Sometimes life gives us so much to feel happy about, and the very next moment it brings tears in our eyes just to make us realise that nothing is permanent and going to stay forever.
Well friends, don't get scared about me being depressive (as sometimes its good to be serious).

Before you start guessing out the reason for this blog, let me tell you all that it is about the feeling which is there prevailing in each of us. the feeling of INSECURITY, the feeling of ADDICTION, the feeling of CLOSENESS, the feeling of SEPARATION..... The feeling of ... hmm.. BEING ALONE !!

Why is it that we tend to cry even when we are happy ?? why is it that we don't understand if we are happy for the separation or sad for the hapiness ?? why does one comes so close to you when ultimately they have to go ?? how it feels when a person whom u'v spend your childhood with, leaves you within fraction of seconds ??

6th feb 2010 --
my sister's wedding. A big day for me, my family and my sister. Went really well and smooth.
Saw my sister dressed up like a beautiful bride. Could not believe my eyes that time, used to see her in casuals and now watching her walking down the aisle as a beautiful bride. Everybody looking at her and appreciating the new bride. I still remember the nervous looks in her eyes, the innocence in her face, the grace of her glowing jewelleries. There was happiness and excitement all around. So was i happy and excited as she was going to start her new life with her life partner, but still there was a feeling as if a part of my life is being taken away from me, a feel so low, so miserable. A feel of being drowned. But then, i got busy with the wedding procedures and rituals. Everything was happening so fast, i wished if the time stops for a while. I wasn't able to face the truth that within few hours, i will be sleeping alone in my room , alongside pillows and sheets where my sis used to sleep. But then its true, time don't wait for anyone. Finally time came for di's 'lava fere', a hindu tradition where all the swears and ol takes place (an official way of completing the hindu marriage). I was asked to perform some rituals (being a brother is tough, trust me !!). For the first time in my life i actually felt the need of my sister, felt holding her back , wanted to say how much i love her. Every memory,every moment, every fight, every debates started to haunt my head. Was difficult, but controlled my tears and finally my sis is now a wife, a daughter-in-law, a sister-in-law.. *touchwood*. She went where she belonged, to her new house, her real house.

Came back home, clean our messed home, guests left... back to normal schedule.
There was a pinch of sadness and dullness in the air. Everything seemed to be soo dull. I entered my room and turned on the television and there was my favourite sport -- wrestling. I tried focussing on wrestling so that i can deviate my mind but then suddenly i remember the days when my sis used to fight with me for the television remote whenever i used to watch wrestling.
Even the volume of the set was at its highest, there was a sudden silence which disturbed me. A sudden breeze went through my body and shook me. i cudn't control my tears. I never ever thought that these small things would actually turned out to be so apprehensive.

Now from whom will i take stupid pangas ?
Upon whom will i make funny songs ?
Who will protect me from mom and dad's scoldings ?
Who will make me laugh when i'l be down ?
Who will guide me through my thicks and thins ?
Who will be my best friend with who m i can share anythng, anytime ?
Who will say 'SAALEY SUDHARJA' 2 me ?
For whom will i bring surprise gifts ?
With whom will i share pizzas and burgers ?
Why the hell do we grow up ??
these questions started haunting me and there was a sudden and rapid flow of tears which i hide for so long just because i didn't want mom and dad to cry. But then i culdn't control it , and cried all night in my room , inside my blanket.

I was happier being a small kid and playing with my sisters than being an alone brother.
but then i was being selfish. on one side i was happy that my sis is starting a new life and on the other side i was crying because of being alone.

now its 9th feb
and over these 2-3 days everything is getting back to norml routine.
It is tough specially when you are addicted and attached with someone, but then this is life.
she is SO NEAR, YET SO FAR FROM ME. just want to wish her all the best and a happy life and may she get the same love as she got from here.
GOD BLESS !!

P.S -- friends i know that i am being very emotional and evrything remains the same, but this blog is what i felt at that particular moment. i know that she will remain to be my sister and same love will be there. so, don't feel bad about me. :)